There are three things that you can do on a Malaysian holiday:

1) Eat. Seriously. Like, you wouldn't believe. Like, you're eating despite being full. Like, there's no way you can stop putting food in your mouth. Like, I look like the Michelin man.

2) Go to a Shopping Mall. the Curve. 1 Utama. 2 Utama. Midvalley MegaMall. Almanda (in Putrajaya). KLCC. Berjaya Shopping Complex. Yaohan. Pavillion. Sungei Wang. Lot 10. Lot 11. Lot 12. Just A Lot.

3) Eat again. Like, you wouldn't believe, again. Like, you're eating despite being full, again. Like, there's no way you can stop putting food in your mouth, again. Like, I look like the Michelin man and his evil obese twin brother.

There is a little checklist which every Malaysian abroad carries, which is called 'The List of Things To Eat When I Get Home.' On that list would be the usual suspects - the nasi lemaks, the har mees, the assam laksas, the durians, the kuihs. Funnily enough, all the things on the list can be ticked off in one night - in that Megamall of Makan, the Hypermart of Heartburn, the Giant of Gastronomical Delights, the Colossus of Colonic Cargo - the pasar malam.

Over here on Friday nights, you will see the main street turned into a festival of fluorescent lights and multicoloured umbrellas, as the hawkers line both sides of the main road and the human traffic make it near impossible for cars to go through.

It's an overwhelming sight, the night market - almost no two stalls sell the same thing. You can have any Malaysian delicacy you like, and they are usually quite cheap. The finger foods especially make for a great traveling companion - you can chomp on your apam balik while deciding if you should have the fried popiah to go with your char kway teow. You can sip on your soya bean drink while wondering if that air mata kucing will quench the thirst you're developing from your soya bean drink.

And there are not only food stalls - there are people selling fresh vegetables (okay, so maybe, just vegetables) and fish, and there will be others selling clothes and underwear, and of course - the perennial, evergreen Friendly Neighbourhood Pirated DVD seller.

(If anyone can locate Astro on Demand's Shiny Disc Hero ad, please let me know - the actor is a legend!)

There is a hilarious trend about how they are blatantly juxtaposing the (insert 'level' here) DVDs you wouldn't watch with your parents, with, oh let's say, Shrek 3 (3 is not a level in Shrek's case.)

And the lecherous uncles who are there to buy are even more brazen, flipping through these DVDs nonchalantly as people stream past. And then they pick up the DVDs and then frown as they studiously read the back jacket over their glasses, as if the storyline mattered.

Yeah, uncle, you're not going to buy this one because there's no twist at the end, right? Yup. And this one won't make it to your collection because you really enjoyed the book and you don't want to spoil it by watching the movie, right? Gotcha.

I just wish they'd go back to the days of "Eh, boss, maukah? Ada special punya...", when pirates still had ethics.